


Make Myself Believe

by igrab



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Purgatory, Season/Series 08
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-12
Updated: 2014-02-12
Packaged: 2018-01-12 02:02:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1180589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/igrab/pseuds/igrab
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Of course he didn't deserve to be saved, his whole life had been nothing but a series of bad choices with worse consequences. He didn't understand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Make Myself Believe

_Pull me from the darkness, lift me back into the light_  
 _Fill this empty vessel, fill this hole I have inside_

_You don't think you deserve to be saved_ , he'd said.

Even now, those words lodge in Dean's chest like splinters.  _You don't think you deserve to be saved_. And the way he'd said them, so surprised, like it should have been obvious. Like the purity of Dean's soul wasn't something up for debate, like he couldn't fathom why he would judge himself so harshly.

At the time, Dean had hated it. First he'd thought it was said with malice, with manipulation-- _you don't think you deserve to be saved, how can you think that, anyone would want to be saved, anyone would want to live, you should be grateful for all that we've given you_ \--but he knows better now. He knows that Castiel l.. l... that he cared about him from the start, that it was never about Heaven's plan. He had proved that soon enough. Still, it had grated on him, feeling the weight of someone's regard and thinking,  _how can I live up to that?_   _How can I be anything close to what he sees in me?_ Of course he didn't deserve to be saved, his whole life had been nothing but a series of bad choices with worse consequences. He didn't understand.

But now, he thinks, now, he just might get it. He sits on the floor at the foot of his motel bed and can't sleep, thinking of the look on Cas's face when they left him in that nursing home, watching over Fred. The look on his face when he'd told Dean that he let go, that he'd stayed in Purgatory. The look that Dean recognized more than any other, because he saw it in the mirror every day.

He thinks of Cas in Purgatory. He thinks of the nights they spent with his head pillowed on the angel's lap, Benny keeping watch, because the human needed to sleep. He thinks about the hands in his hair, the soft voice murmuring Enochian like a lullaby. He thinks about how Cas was willing to sacrifice his sanity to try and fix what he'd done, though it was unfixable. He thinks about Cas.

The truth is, Dean had already forgiven him. He'd forgiven him long before he'd deserted him in Purgatory; he'd forgiven him before the madness, before Emmanuel, before the leviathans trying to claw their way out of him and Cas tried to apologize. It hadn't changed how he felt, but he'd forgiven him already, then. He could tell himself it was because he understood why he did it, that Cas was just trying to do what he thought was best, but the truth is, he's always going to forgive him, no matter what. That's what you do, when you. When there's someone. Someone you--someone. When there's someone.

He understands, now, how Cas could see his soul in the depths of Hell, soaked in blood and laughing, thrilling at the pain, the anger, the feel of skin parting under his fingertips, and believe that he deserves to be saved.

He understands, because it's his turn, now. His angel who's done horrible things, unspeakable things, things you can't come back from, that no amount of apologies will make right. His angel who believes, truly believes, that he is not worthy of redemption.

Dean isn't an angel, or a priest, or a god. He's barely even a human being, if decency and morals are a prerequisite. He's broken, and he isn't in any sort of place to pass judgment, but that doesn't mean his opinions count for nothing. Dean isn't the one that Cas has to apologize to and he wasn't the one who saved him, but he can still say,  _you deserve to be saved_. 

And Dean, he's got a lot of black marks on his tab, a lot of shit he can't undo, but he gets it now. It isn't about that. Not with them. Not when you...

 _You deserve to be saved as much as I do_ , he thinks, no,  _prays_ , and hopes that Cas can still hear him.  _For the same reasons you saved me,_ and for all the nights since then. 

He doesn't let himself think the word, but his heart speaks louder.

 _You are loved,_ it whispers in the dark.  _You will never not be beautiful to me._


End file.
